Quality food, individuality, and devotion. A checklist not every country can fulfill; only the great nations of the world can cross each requirement off. As for American states, forty-nine of them either check a few of the boxes with a dry pen, or leave the list unchanged. But, there’s one outlier. A state that stands tall from the rest. One that checks each box with a fresh, juicy red sharpie that makes that distinct scratching noise as it glides across the paper, filling the air with a gorgeous fragrance. That state being none other than New Jersey.
Since you’re educated, you must’ve already connected the dots: New Jersey might as well become an independent country, because it checks off all the necessary requirements to be considered a great nation. It has pristine food, authentic bagels and pizza, and gourmet restaurants: Wawa, QuickCheck, and a diner at every corner. Has West Virginia ever experienced the joy of inhaling a Wawa hash brown? Didn’t think so (that’s an irrelevant state, anyway).
New Jersey’s distinct from all the other states, as well. For starters, it experiences all four seasons—Texas and Alaska can’t relate—and has diverse land, including mountains, valleys, beaches, lakes, plains, and forests. And we scarcely have any natural disasters! Can’t relate anymore, now can you, California? What does that mean, you ask? Oh, just that New Jerseyians can vacation in their own state! Yeah, we’re self-sufficient both in essential resources and recreational activities. You can hike, ski, swim, and mountain climb with nothing more than some determination and an hour’s worth of gas.
Oh, and the New Jerseyians online? The founding fathers are jealous they didn’t have that level of devotion whilst waging the Revolutionary War. Go on any social media platform, look up New Jersey-based content, and you’ll be bombarded with thousands of New Jersey patriots campaigning for independence. One commenter wrote, “[t]hat’s my country,” with a clip of IShowSpeed, tears streaming down his face, patting his chest. This very comment encapsulates the seriousness of the New Jersey independence movement. The words signify they’ve already sworn allegiance to our nation, and the clip represents the passion, overwhelming love, and devotion our citizens have for our nation.
However, I know there must be a small minority of individuals who believe New Jersey should stay a part of the United States of America. This must be shocking to hear, since our splendor and reasoning behind secession is self-effident. But there is one reason that might make Americans hesitant to let the amazingness of New Jerseyians go—other than their fear of losing the cool points that come along with being associated with us—forty-nine is an ugly number. This is a compelling argument, but after deep thought and consideration, I’ve come up with a solution: split California into North and South California. Boom, easy as cake.
And as the self-appointed spokesperson of the now-declared United State of New Jersey, I’m now actively petitioning Congress that our motion to gain self-sovereignty is permitted. And I won’t stop until we, the Garden Nation, get the independence that’s been long overdue.
