The Vortex

Friday, February 8th, 2019


Chatham High School stands as an anomaly on Earth, and for that matter, the entirety of the Space-Time Continuum. For in these hallowed walls resides a swirling mass of astronomical proportions, a ceaseless agony from which even the greatest of men and women cannot escape: a vortex. Ushered in by the bells of Notre Dame, we are forced to trek in huddled masses to the chagrin of not just the men, but the women and children too. Day in and day out we see our loved ones, our friends, an acquaintance from our French class, inconvenienced by the populous halls. But I believe that this story goes much deeper, and I intend on telling you the true story the school has worked to cover up.

The claim that this heinous abomination can be classified as a vortex cannot be further from the truth. To be defined as a vortex, one must be whirling in nature, such as a whirlpool, a definition that directly goes against the true nature of The Vortex. One does not encounter a cycle in the vortex, but rather a conundrum of social psychology. A four-way intersection should, in theory, be commonplace for a group of students in which nearly three quarters are allowed to operate an automobile. Instead, chaos quickly follows the ringing of those fateful bells, leading to the mayhem that at first glance seems to be rotating in a circular motion, but again this is false. What we see in actuality is multiple forces converging at a single point in time. The force of friendship seems to be an essential drag force that leads to the whole organization being thrown out of line. These friends will walk in groups, similar to a dazzle of zebras or a bloat of hippos. While a herd mentality can often increase one’s chances of survival, an opposite effect seems to be present here due to the overpopulation of the given area. The end result is a mobile wall that protrudes from the side walls where most are located, squeezing the other homo sapiens into a space of limited area.

So if what is being described here does not qualify as a vortex, then what term could possibly be used to encapsulate such a wonder. When you think of your own experiences in the Vortex, a few key memories probably come to mind. You think of mild physical distress, a failure to reach your class on time, confusion as to why someone would tie their shoe in the middle of a packed hallway. The signs indicate a disturbance, a presence not like what we humans see on Earth. These signs point to something more sinister, something harder to understand. Ladies and gentlemen, my incredibly thorough studies have determined that what we so dearly despise as the Vortex is, in fact, a black hole.

A black hole is a region of space having a gravitational field so intense that no matter or radiation can escape. The Vortex draws you in, with the allure of not getting yelled at again by the same teacher who clearly doesn’t understand how far away the orchestra room is from the rest of the school. This leaves a problem, however, once people enter a black hole, there is no escaping, and they eventually make it to their classes. Most would consider this debunking my own argument, but I consider it a scientific discovery unlike that ever even fathomed before. Chatham High School in Chatham New Jersey has demonstrated that the escape from the clutches of a black hole is indeed possible, though only with the impending threat of punishment. With this breakthrough in human existence, I believe we must take action. I propose that all teachers be stationed at the nearest black hole, to defend the galaxy against the undiscovered evils that space has to offer. At least until I finish my English essay.